


At Times Like These

by closetnightmares



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, Drama, Eventual Romance, Friends to Lovers, M/M, POV Alternates, POV First Person, eventually a post-graduation story, lots of misunderstandings, makoharu - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-11
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-08-30 07:47:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8524609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/closetnightmares/pseuds/closetnightmares
Summary: They say the one who falls in love first loses. Makoto's determination to keep his feelings to himself has a negative impact on his ability to interact with Haru. And Haru hates being kept in the dark. Their own stubbornness threatens to tear them apart, and unless they can come to terms with their respective demons, what they have will become nothing more than a memory.But these things take time, and their time together is nearly up...-------------------Alternates POVs every other chapter





	1. Makoto

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first Free! fanfic, so hopefully it's alright. I've had this idea forever and finally got the guts to post it, so here it is. Please let me know what you think, I live for feedback whether good or bad!
> 
> This first chapter is in Makoto's POV.

It’s the same every time. Every moment spent with him… is the same. Morning, wake up, get Haru, walk to school. Lunch, get Haru, go to roof. After school, get Haru, go to club. After club, get Haru, go home. Every aspect of my day involves Haru. This time is no different. We are both alone—our families are away. We are each others only companion in times like this. And right now, we stand in front of my house. I am in the doorway, Haru is two paces away. Every evening like this, in the safety of silence and aloneness, I want to tell him. My heart always wants to pour out.

But I do not let it.

It has not always been this way, honestly, I want to say this change in my resolve is recent. But then I realize I cannot put a time on it at all. It just sort of… happened. And now I struggle to keep my mouth shut at all.

My mouth opens. This will be censored. It has to be.

“Haru…” I can't say what I really want to. There’s always been that invisible hurdle for me—between what I want to say and will say. “… won’t you stay for dinner?” The hand of mine that grips the open door behind me suddenly tightens. It’s an involuntary movement and I pray he does not notice. My heart threatens to force me into submission. Silent words echo in my head—but, for all I knew, they are in another language… completely unspeakable to me.

A blink. A nod. Haru accepts the invitation and he strides forward. His eyes flick up to me, and for a second I swear he knows my thoughts. Part of me begged him to read me—wished desperately for him to know my secrets. But no. His gaze drops from mine and he passes without a word.

I sigh. That’s the nature of our relationship: completely wordless, only speaking when needed. Since childhood, Haru’s been a person of few words. I never minded, though, in fact, I grew to enjoy it. My words became his, in a way that made us even closer. It got to a point that I knew his thoughts merely because his words had become my own… if only the opposite were true. I am sure Haru understands me as well as I know him, but I am not sure if it is in the same way.

People say that a person will do for others what he secretly wants done to himself… and by that logic it would mean that I secretly want Haru to read my thought process and act accordingly—except that would be unfair. He shouldn’t need to be burdened with what I am thinking… but when I think like that, does it mean that Haru thinks the same of what I am doing?

He’s a complete enigma in that regard. We’ve known each other nearly our whole lives and yet I feel as though I only think I know what he’s thinking.

I shut the door solidly and marvel for a second at my shadow. It lays flattened against the door—trapped in a two-dimensional universe devoid of emotion. A floorboard creaks behind me and another shadow extends onto the door next to mine. I know the shape of this person—I have such a figure memorized. For a second, it almost looks like our hands are entwined. I am tempted to reach out—

“Makoto.” The wavelength shakes my heart. I feel the call. I know this feeling like no other.

I turn silently, wiping the wistful expression off of my face before he could see. It had been a silent promise to myself: show only what you must, these feelings are useless.

Haru stands resolute in the hallway, his shoulders slack. I give him a warm look, a trademark smile, and I will my eyes to not betray me.

The eyes are a window to the soul. Or so they say.

His eyes scan me, they narrow, and I watch as his lips part. My body stiffens as he steps closer. “Makoto…” Again with my name. His tone is strained.

Quickly. I must speak. I must. “I’m fine.” I wave him off. “Come on, let’s go. I invited you over, didn’t I? It’d be improper to not eat.” I slide past him and go into the kitchen. 

I hardly managed to cook the fish properly—words haunted me and drove like knives into my heart. And so, for the ten minutes it takes me to cook, I bleed horrifically.

We speak very little over dinner—which was mackerel. A few remarks are made over the food itself, but I find I am no longer hungry. Haru asks about my family, and I tell him where they went. I ask about his parents. The conversation is very businesslike—personal topics are not even touched upon. 

Haru’s eyes are constantly on me, I can feel them. I know them. I know their burn, their intensity, their kindness… their love. And it is this sad warmth that fills them that assures me even more of everything I can never have.

Millions of unspoken words hang in the air between us, a sea of silence that swirls around us two islands known but to one another. At times it is terrible trying to navigate the waves of emotion accompanying the voiceless words. But we have spent our lives keeping our heads above this water, and so I do not hate this eternal dance, quite the contrary in fact, I love it. Haru’s eyes sparkle with questions that he cannot find the words to ask.

I do eventually incline my head to him, acknowledging his gesture of inquiry. But the smile I wear upon dipping back up from the oceans around us lets him know that I do not plan to submit. My thoughts are mine, and that is the way it shall stay. Friends are only meant to know so much. Just putting the world “childhood” in front of it changes nothing. Our bond is still no deeper.

I am sad. But I do not really know why. I’ve been happy with this for my whole life. What changed… and why? I didn’t wish for this to happen.

“Makoto…” Haru starts. We are washing the dishes together. I have the washing portion and Haru has the drying portion. He has a towel slung over his shoulder.

I do not look at him, despite being able to feel his eyes on me. “Hm?”

“Is there something wrong?”

I want to tell you. “…No. What makes you say that?” I really do.

“You’ve been strange recently…”

Of course I have.

“Really? Is it that noticeable?” I chuckle and hand him the newly washed plate. “Careful, it’s hot.” I warn him. My hands are already red and raw from the hot water. But for me to bleed now would barely faze me. I’ve been bleeding for months already.

He takes no heed of my warning. His hand grabs the steaming ceramic and sets it on the counter. The same hand catches my wrist as I move to get the next plate. “Haru…”

“You’re sure? Everything’s okay?” His desperation makes me hurt all the more. This side of Haru is reserved for me—this… caring, gentle side. My selfishness really is a burden.

“Yeah. Well, in truth, I’m tired. Haven’t been sleeping good recently.” I force my mouth to smile. I must wear this mask. It shall not crack.

Haru’s eyes scrutinize me, he is searching for a way to open me up. 

But what I said just then was not a lie. I really am tired.

He waits a second longer before releasing me. The ghost of his hand is cold. Not even the scalding water can eliminate the icy burn left by his touch. I estimate I will feel the effects late into the night. That’s how it’s gotten to be recently.

He diligently helps me finish the washing. “Thanks for the help.” I say as I put the plates back in the cupboard.

He nods. “Yeah. I guess I’ll head home… give you time to sleep. See you tomorrow.”

“See you.” I laugh lightly, but it’s forced. Time’s got nothing to do with it, Haru…

A second later he is leaving. I hear him put on his shoes. The door opens. It closes.

And then he’s gone.

I didn’t even have the will to see him out. What a coward I have become. But these feelings that I hold have made me so. It’s so hard to see the object of my strife every day, for I did not make this change of being willingly. These feelings are mine alone. 

And I intended to keep it that way.


	2. Haru

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This second chapter is in Haru's POV, from now on I plan to post chapters with the format of Chapter #: POV so that it's clear whose POV it's in. This time I wanted to focus a lot on Haru's emotional state as a result of Makoto's avoidance, so I hope I have achieved something good out of it. 
> 
> Also, a great big thank you to all of the lovely readers who took time to read and review last chapter! I can't even tell you how grateful I am! I hope you enjoy this chapter as well.

_What...exactly...was that just now?_

_Why was he being so strange?_

I am stiffly standing outside the door to Makoto's house. It's cold, and I'm confused.

 _Why was he looking at me like that?_ I mean sure, our relationship isn't always one full of words, but that doesn't mean I always understand what he needs. Sometimes nonverbal cues aren't enough.

There are so many questions that I wanted to ask him, but no matter how much I want to, I know I cannot ask them. And even if I did ask, it's not like he would give me an answer.

I shiver. It feels like I got thrown out even though I left the house of my own volition.

And I still don't know what he was thinking back there. For as long as I can remember, I've been wondering what goes on inside his head. There are three things I know to be true about Makoto. First, he is irrefutably kind. Second, he’s a complete chocoholic. And third, his inside and outside are completely different--what he feels and what he shows are never the same.

It’s the third thing that worries me most. Makoto is incredible at hiding his fears and inhibitions. He often doesn’t reveal any ill feelings until he cannot bear it any longer. And even then, I can’t get him to open up at times.

I really hate when he hides things from me, especially his feelings, but often enough I have to concede defeat when I know my efforts are futile.

My eyes lazily trail up the stone steps to my house. It is dark. The only light in the area comes from the dim street lamp...and Makoto's house. Never have those stairs looked so steep and uninviting.

_I hate this._

I frown and start scaling. Each step is a reminder to me that I am alone, that there will be no one waiting for me when I get inside the door. Makoto was the last person that I will see. And he will likely be the first face to greet me tomorrow. In a sense, I feel lonelier than ever now. Now there even seems to be a wall between my best friend and me.

But I didn't erect this wall. Makoto did. So why do I feel so...strange right now.

It really does make me wonder. _Did we make this change willingly? And did I have a part in it? What if I did? What was it that I did?_

The sheer number of question marks appearing in my head next to everything that I want to know is frightening. I really don't know anything about our situation right now. This relationship between us is built on trust and mutual acceptance. It's not like I don't know anything about Makoto. I honestly believe that we know each others' lives better than we know our own...but that still doesn't mean that I understand his head. We put our differences aside a long time ago. And Makoto's ability to overlook the chinks in the armor or the twists in the personality of a person is one of his greatest traits.

He's always believed that those sort of things don't matter...but a person is defined by what makes them different from the one next to them....and if he overlooks those things, whether out of politeness or ignorance, how much can he really expect to know about those around him? I guess that's just how he is, though. And it's really not that bad...he's well-loved by everyone and has a great memory...

Something happens to me. My chest starts hurting. The pain is similar to drowning—the burning of a lack of air to breathe as the lungs are smothered with water. But it's a familiar sensation. I get it a lot when Makoto is involved.

I've been doing a lot of this recently. Evaluating him and then pushing past it all—no, more like pushing it all aside. I want to ask him all the things that I've held inside through the countless hours of existing in tense silence when we study, the walks to and from school, and basically whenever we are alone together.

Now I've got an urge to run back there...to _do_ something. I find myself staring down at the house just ten steps below. So close...and still so far.

_But what could I have done?_

I can tell that Makoto's still in the entryway. Right where I left him—likely still caught in the feedback loop of his own thoughts. But what was I supposed to do? Once he bottles up, it takes a hell of a lot more than a little pleading to get him opened up again. He's always been that way...even with me.

I clutch at my heart.

A memory of a different time comes suddenly back to haunt me. The image of a younger Makoto in a green sweater as we stood outside my house in the dark and wearing the most forced smile that I had ever seen cross his lips. It was absolutely infuriating. My fists involuntarily clench as my entire body tenses in anguish over the memory.

_What on earth was he really thinking at that moment? With his eyes shining with painfully veiled emotion...what did he really want to say? Even though he told me that he felt conflicted over swimming...was that really what was bothering him?_

Then I had screamed my concern in his face and assured him that his identity was safe, except now that I think about it, I had only said two words. _You're you._ But it seemed enough because Makoto's expression became genuine for the first time in nearly a week. At that time, I didn't clearly see it, but when he took my arm and dragged me to the SC pool, and as we ran together all the way there Makoto had cried while wearing a grin.

But it wasn't the exchange that we had in the pool that makes me so skeptical of his real feelings. It was when we got back home that everything became complicated. For when we got back, Makoto assured me that we would always swim together but when I caught his eye, there was something else lingering there. It was akin to longing but yet, still, it was something deeper that was less easily assuaged.

It was the same thing that I had seen just earlier tonight in his eyes when we were cleaning up. When I had asked him if everything was alright.

_So what is it?_

I sigh. I might not ever know. And I probably ought to just get used to the feeling of not knowing.

_I just want to go home._

And then the feeling dissipates. The pain subsides and my hand falls away from my chest as I feel calm once more. A bit empty, but calm. But in order to be calm, you have to be empty.

My shadow slides up onto the door to my house and my fingers touch the wood, connecting with the dark figure upon it before I feel anything again. It's the chest pang again.

Such a familiar pain. I think this feeling is normal now. It only happens when I think of Makoto.

The shadow on the door trembles when my hand falters. It looks frail and weak. And it makes me mad.

I frown and push through the unease. I already gave in once. Two times would be unwise. I might end up actually doing something.

Wrenching the door open, the entryway that greets me is cold and dark. The door clicks shut behind me and I kick off my shoes. My coat is hung on the rack and I head immediately to my room.

It feels like I am walking for miles as I take shaky steps up the stairs.

I stare at the floor, except the dark outline that is my shadow seems almost to look up at me in pity. And it is then that I see how bad I am shaking.

I bite my lip and avert my eyes. I really do hate this. This dance that Makoto and I always participate in...this little game of tug of war. Where we give and we take from one another, but we never seem to get anywhere. How we like to hang the answer right out in the open, except behind each other's backs, so the one who really wants to know can never quite grasp it.

I suppose it's okay though. Things always seem to calm down eventually when one of us caves in...or one of us forces the other to. We've survived for this long with this system, after all.

_Or is our survival an illusion?_

Every day I feel like I am drowning when I see Makoto. My chest tightens and the wave of unspoken words in this unspeakable foreign language washes over me until I am swallowed up. He seems distant from me lately, but not once has he ever complained or spoke up...and I struggle to remember if it's always been like this.

_Have we always been this way? Yes? No?_

It's at times like these when I just don't know anymore.

I do know one thing. I want Makoto to be happy. But right now I don't know how to do that. And knowing him, he'll just brush all of what just transpired off as a lapse in proper judgement and be perfectly peachy by tomorrow.

He'll be wearing that damn forced smile and as tight lipped as ever.

The perfect swim club captain. A picture of strength and morality.

But no one knows how fake that is.

I open to door to my room and glance around the sparse area, moving to the window without a second thought and grasping the curtains as my eyes automatically search out his window. His curtains are drawn shut.

Clicking my tongue, I pull the blue fabric in front of the glass and silence my mind. I was hoping again. Hoping for the impossible.

Frustrated, I carelessly fall down on my bed. This is already too much.

_I guess I'll take a bath in the morning._

Now I'm irritated.

I lose myself in the ceiling and it's oh so captivating blandness, giving my overactive mind room to take control. I have always been a slave to my inner worries. Those feelings that I can't even put words to.

Something's obviously bothering him. That piece of the puzzle is obvious. But what the heck is it? I'm no mind reader Makoto. I don't know everything! And right now, I feel like I don't know anything at all!

Hands are tugging at my hair, and something tickles on my cheeks. I make to wipe it away, only to realize it is water.

I'm crying.

I wonder if he is too.

_Damn it._

Everything in my sight is blurry now. I've never been more tired and yet felt so uncomfortably awake.

_I don't know what I'm supposed to do..._


	3. Makoto

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for my lack of updates, I'll be honest and say that I've been really busy and just plain haven't had much motivation to write this story. I lost my inspiration, so to speak. However, my goal is to finish this story very soon as I refuse to leave a project unfinished. Thanks to all those who have read thus far!
> 
> Please enjoy this chapter! Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated.

I shiver as I open the door and step out into the crisp morning air. My head still throbs and my eyes are still swollen from last night. The lingering pieces of near destruction haunt my every move. Even my shadow seems to quake with fear today. Hopefully it won’t be terribly noticeable.

_I wonder if he'll bring it up._

My steps falter when I reach the base of the staircase leading to the upper row of houses as my mind gets the better of me. Haru's always been the type of person to be more perceptive than normal, but he's never been the type to bring something up if it wasn't absolutely necessary. But still I can’t help but wonder… exactly how much is he aware of?

I shake my head violently, attempting to clear the thoughts away.

_This is wrong. I can’t do this to him, not now…_ _It wouldn’t be fair. Not now._

A wave of coldness washes over me with the passing wind and I find the will to move once more, starting to scale the staircase of my eternal attachment. Even if I have to live with this pain every day for as long as I live, I wouldn’t give it up for anything.

Once I reach the top, I immediately head for his door and call his name loudly to the upstairs window. “Haru?"

Nothing, except for the whispering of the passing wind. _What if he’s already left?_

I try again, swallowing my growing nerves. “Haru? We'll be late if you don't hurry!"

Still nothing.

With a sigh I reach for the door, but just as my fingers touch the layered wood it slides beyond my reach to reveal a perfectly dressed Haru, who observes me plainly, not even batting an eye.

"Morning," he mutters under his breath, his eyes relaxed as if fixed on a distant point somewhere behind me.

_Oh thank goodness. He doesn't look angry._

I force a smile and straighten up, pushing the insatiable fear to the back of my mind. There was no way that I was going to let this blackness tarnish him. Not when everything was finally going his way again. "Morning, Haru. Sleep well?"

For a moment his eyes focus to meet mine and I catch a glimpse of how red the edges are. It seems I'm not the only one confused. But that moment soon fades as he gives a sigh and turns swiftly to go down the stairs.

"Let's just go already,” he says flatly over his shoulder.

"Okay!" In my elatedness, I forget to measure my tone and my excitement bleeds through. Instantly, I cover my mouth and he turns to look at me, puzzled. He seems prepared to challenge my excitement, or at the very least question it, as his lips part slightly and a rush of steam escapes into the chilly morning air, but he chooses against it. His mouth closes silently and he looks away, continuing down the stairs at an elevated pace.

I let out the breath I had been holding, relieved he had chosen to not confront me and silently fall into step beside him.

We navigate the back-alleys of our sleepy little town together, our breaths mingling before us in fleeting clouds. It is approximately a ten minute walk to the train station from our neighborhood, and it’s essentially the only leg of our journey that is spent with just the two of us.

I used to cherish this time in the small hours of the morning…as first rays of sun set fire to the treetops over the hill and the ocean became orange with reflected glow. In the time where nothing mattered except the world around us…and it was, well, just us against the rest of the universe.

And yet, now, something has undoubtably changed. There are times where I can’t tear my eyes off of him, like he is some sort of magnet to my subconscious, and I end up staring until he catches me. I have to consciously tell myself not to look for fear of making him worry again…

Therefore, for the first ten minutes I spend with him every morning, my heart is never calm.

The silence is deafening in the crisp air.

Before I can stop myself, my mouth is open and something ridiculous comes falling out. “Think we’ll be able to have club today? I heard it was supposed to rain.”

Haru huffed and proceeded to shove his hands into his jacket pockets. “I always swim, Makoto.”

I laugh lightly. “Yeah, I guess you do.”

The conversation dies almost immediately after my voice fades into the wind, leaving us in a tense silence. However, it could be that I am the only one who’s tense. Haru hasn’t shown any signs of being any more uptight than usual. I must be reading into this too much…

“Makoto.”

The sound of my name sends shivers up my spine and I erect the familiar barriers around my inner thoughts, praying he will not probe too deeply. If he knew…

“Um, y-yeah?” I force a smile, and I know he can tell.

His eyes are uncharacteristically soft. “About last night…”

_This is it. It’s all over._

“Did you sleep alright? You look tired…”

It takes me a moment to realize my luck and once I do, my surprise is poorly masked as I struggle to come up with an excuse. “Huh? O-Oh, I mean, I guess so. I had some last minute homework to do so I was up late.”

He scrutinizes me, sifting through the vast oceans of unspoken words between us. Searching for the proverbial needle in the haystack that will betray my true reasons. A flash of something indescribable passes through his eyes and lodges in my heart—an arrow, straight from his heart to mine. It happens sometimes in these moments where I am forced to hide something. Haru’s last option, risking everything in the hopes of getting something.

His hand gently comes to touch my bicep, cerulean glass bits shredding through my last pieces of resolve. It is harder for me to refuse this gesture of compassion than he will ever know, and I can only feel guilty in doing so for I know how hard it is for him to make such a show.

I’m the only one who ever sees this side of him. Or…at least that’s what I had always thought until a few months ago.

“You’re sure?” His voice is strained as his eyes scan my own, looking desperately for a sign of assurance.

_Be strong. For him, be strong. Play your part. Even if you aren’t his number one, he’s yours._

A deep breath. My mouth opens. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

His eyes glaze over and he retracts his hand as he turns silently, beginning to walk away, putting up that familiar wall between us again. Securing us into our own respective minds once more. Granting me an uneasy place of safety.

Haru looks up to the steadily rising sun and picks up his pace. “We need to hurry, Makoto.”

I let a small sigh slip though my lips and give a nod of agreement as we both proceed at an elevated rate down the paved road that leads to the ocean. In a moment, we step out from the eerie shadows of the houses and businesses and onto the walkway along the beach. The sun is warm on my chilled skin and it soothes the tension in my heart. Sweet relief.

Haru’s eyes are riveted to the waves against the shore, sparkling with reflected light. I allow myself a small smile, for this little leg of our journey, a mere few hundred steps, I get to see the Haru that I used to know. A boy filled with wonder and expectation, a boy who never gave up no matter the stakes, and a boy who _cared_ just because he could.

Those beautiful little pieces of his soul slowly faded to darkness as we passed out of childhood and one by one, the things that Haru loved were taken from him. Swimming, his family, and his friends—everything changed when we left middle school for the “dream” that was supposed to be high school.

For an entire year, all we had was each other. The walks to and from school were filled with conversations about class and homework, and occasionally plans for the weekend or the summer break. We never delved into the past. Our conversations stayed firmly rooted in the present. Middle school marked the second time that Haru’s life had been taken away from him, and I could do nothing but watch.

So I swore to myself that I would never destroy our friendship.

Never.

Last year changed everything, we started a swim club and built a new life. This time, with Haru as the centerpiece. Nagisa and Rei became Haru’s new anchors, resurrecting the long lost pieces of the boy I used to know. And that now we’re in our last year of school here, time is of the essence more than ever.

We have to start thinking of our futures.

The path I walk these days is dangerous, this much I know. One wrong step in any direction and everything I have could vanish. And if Haru knew—if he knew about me, I rest assured that he would walk out of my life faster than I could ask him to stop. And I know why.

_I’m not the only one who matters anymore. Hell, I probably never was in the first place._

My phone buzzes in my pocket and I pull it out, expecting a text from Nagisa or Rei, but the sender ID catches me off guard and I have to do a double take. It isn’t terribly pressing, simply business that can be saved for later. Only a small inconvenience.

But Haru has already noticed my lapse and immediately questions it. “What is it?”

I wince under his plain irritation. He definitely knows I’m being avoidant. I don’t dare refuse him this time. “Samezuka wants a joint practice…today.”

Haru’s eyes widen. “That’s sudden.”

“Yeah, I know right?” I put the phone back into my pocket and start walking again, prompting him to do the same. Clearing my throat, I propose the question, “So do you want to go?”

“Do you?” Haru sends the issue back onto my plate easily, and I can tell he is observing my body language from the corner of his eye.

My heart lurches, but I smile through it. And this time it really is genuine. “Only if you do.”

He appears irritated, as he looks away and shows no signs of turning back, but I can sense even without seeing it that his eyes are sparkling. And this time it isn’t from the ocean.

He’s happy because he gets to swim for real.

I sigh. Haru doesn’t swim for me. But he doesn’t swim for himself either. I’ve known his motivation for a long time, now. It’s an undying need to compete against someone at his level…though every time someone tells him he lives for competition, he’ll rush to negate them. He’ll say he swims to be free. But no one is truly “free”, not in this world. The only way he can attain his own personal bliss is by setting himself apart from others. It’s the only way for him to prove himself.

At least, that’s what he believes now that he has someone to beat.

And, unfortunately, the person he aspires to reach is not me.

It’s the same person who broke Haru’s heart nearly ten years ago and pushed him away from his only true love in life. The person who sent Haru to a new low that not even I could lift him from.

Rin.

Of course, I can safely wager that everything is okay now, and Haru’s fire seems to have returned… but there are days when the damage is still painfully real. In the evenings after practice where I catch Haru looking at the old photo on the wall, his eyes filled with a forlorn sort of fondness for days long gone.

So for Rin to have essentially walked onto our doorstep bearing a new challenge for Haru to beat was both a blessing and a curse. It reminded Haru of his drive to swim, but it also unleashed the long-since-tamed monstrosity of emotion buried deep within his soul and sent him barreling down a path of no return without remorse. All for one person.

Rin reignited Haru’s fire, not me. So in a way, I have and always will hold reservations toward Rin, as he has dared to abandon us once already…what’s to prevent him from doing it again?

_No. Don’t think like that._

But finding an answer is never straight forward. My conscience constantly wages war against my heart over the topic of Rin’s return…and whether or not he is to be trusted.

_This is silly._

It’s been months since Rin first apologized, and every action he makes to this day still pleads forgiveness. He came back to us of his own free will, and Haru accepted it as such. So I should too.

_He was your best friend back then too, you know._

I grit my teeth. I know better than anyone. I know he was one of my best friends, I know I cared about him, and I know how much it hurt when he said he was leaving. And still I remember how much it hurt to watch Haru in the aftermath.

But it wasn’t my place to pass judgement on the issue. Rin left to pursue his own dreams, but in doing so he left his best friend without any.

The connection between Rin and Haru was special, I could always tell that much. The way that Haru would look at him, it was unlike the way he had ever looked at anything before.

So when that light vanished…I wasn’t particularly open to bringing new influences in to him right away. But I didn’t dare let that mindset rule our interactions, since that would only push him away further.

I put on a mask, a face that I still wear even now…as it dulls the pain.

_I have to be strong_.

We reach the train station without any trouble and board the closest car, and I am glad to find it is only comfortably full. We find two seats near the back next to the window and I fix my eyes on a distant point, willing my gaze to not appear too forlorn.

_Less than a year now…_

By this time next year we’ll both be out on our own, making lives for ourselves. I have no doubt that Haru will get scouted this year for sure, as we certainly have a good chance of going to nationals as a team. From my work at the SC over summer, I made the decision to become a swim instructor. Then again, that decision was made with the assumption that I was going to follow Haru anywhere…but now I’m not so sure. It’s not even that I don’t want to be with Haru forever, it’s just I don’t know whether that’s what he really wants.

_What right do I have forcing myself onto him?_

None. I’ve been rolling the inevitable truth around in my head for months now…trying to find a way to read it differently and change the outcome. But it seems that today is the great day of reckoning. The end of my ignorance.

We disembark from the train and walk up to the school gate, though my steps are carefully measured. I look down as my feet glide to a stop just before the threshold. Half of me wants to keep ignoring the truth and live on as if this life of ours is eternal, like nothing will ever change, but deep down I know I can’t. The feelings I am burdened with, this pain I carry, I will bury it with myself. I would stain myself a thousand times over to keep his heart clean.

There is only one solution.

_I have to start pulling away._

_For both of our sakes._

I inhale deeply and take the step.


	4. Makoto

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a nice long chapter to make up for my long hiatus. Unfortunately, I'm breaking my rule about rotating character POVs every other chapter since I just repeated Makoto's POV twice, but this just didn't feel right unless it was from his view. Hopefully it's an enjoyable read!

The end of school bell rings and everyone gets up, gathering their things methodically and darting out the door. They all have their own clubs and after school activities to attend to with renewed energy. I am the only one left behind, with my cell phone sitting face up on my desk and open to a chat with Rin. We had been discussing last minute training regiments for practice today, and we settled on doing speed drills and turn practice followed by a final relay.  
  
The entire conversation had been reasonably frustrating since Rin wanted a strenuous skill-based routine but still refused to do our usual hardcore speed drills. I had also been under the constant stress of keeping my teacher oblivious to the fact that I was texting during class. Rin finally ended up compromising on keeping the speed drills but doing easier exercises to hone our specialized skills for the rest of the time. Upon realising this was the biggest budge I would be able to get out of him, I reluctantly accepted. Haru would likely be pissed when he finds out. 

It’s these…”mood swings on the drop of a dime” that I could never entirely handle. Rin’s always been one to boast, too, which of course would lead to the usual playful bickering fest between him and Haru over who would win in a race, or at a board game and so on. I quickly learned the best way to accommodate him is to just smile and nod, or offer only the politest adjustments to his grand depictions of his success. Letting Rin be “just Rin” is the best way to resolve things peacefully.

But Rin’s best quality is his devotion to the things he cares about. Even if he’s bad at showing it. But he loves deeper than most people I know. And on top of it all, he’s incredibly idealistic. Any kid who would just pick up and move to another country over the dream to become a world-class swimmer, live with a new family, and endure learning an entirely new language would have to be. He may not show it nowadays, but he dreams big. Even for a dreamer. He may not be realistic, but that’s a surprisingly good point about him.

“Makoto-senpai?”

A voice startles me from my thoughts and I look up to see Gou standing beside me, holding her bag of gear and a clipboard. Obviously she had already heard the news of our relocated practice.

I try to reign in my thoughts and string together a coherent sentence. “H-How did you—“

“Haruka-senpai told me.” She smiles softly.

“Oh.” For some reason the mention of his name bothers me.

“And he said that you seemed tired earlier.”  
  
“Yeah, but I’m okay now,” I lie. I’m always tired these days from overthinking. “Where is he anyway?”

She shrugs. “Outside waiting.”  
  
“And the others?”

Another shrug.

In less than a second, Nagisa comes skidding into the room, heading straight for me. As he gives an ecstatic cry of “Mako chan” we collide and I am subsequently crushed in his embrace.  
  
Rei steps into the room next, massaging his temples. “Nagisa-kun how many times do I have to tell you—ack! Nagisa get off of Makoto-senpai, that’s hardly the way to greet—”

I lift a hand to stop Rei’s rampage before things get out of hand and someone gets hurt. “Relax, Rei, I’m fine.” The boy in question halts and begins to examine the floor sheepishly.

Nagisa suddenly sprang off of me and ran to Rei, grabbing his shirtsleeve and bouncing on his toes. “Mako-chan! We’re going right now right? To Samezuka?”

Gou beats me to the task of answering Nagisa’s excited inquiry. Clearing her throat, she checked the timetable on her phone. “Well, the train leaves in six minutes, so yeah. We should probably go.”

Without so much as a thanks, Nagisa begins to determinedly drag Rei out the door, and the taller boy doesn’t even put up a fight against his friend. He only gives a single logical anecdote to even show he’s registered what’s happening.

“Nagisa-kun...our travel would be more efficient if you would just let me walk myself.”

The blonde seems to ignore the biting comment and the pair quickly disappear out into the hallway.

“Those two…” Gou shakes her head in amusement before turning back to me, her lips a taut line. “You’re sure you’re game for this? My brother can be kinda demanding at times if he doesn’t know the whole situation.”

“It’s okay—I’m okay.” _I’m not okay._

“If you’re sure. For Haru to worry about something, it means there’s definitely something there. I’ve known you guys long enough now to know when something’s up.”

“Yeah. But there’s nothing to worry about. I’m not at all sure why he’s worrying about me.” Another lie.

Gou sighs. “If there is something...you know, wrong, I hope you know that you can tell us. No matter what it is.”

_But I really can’t tell you guys, not something like this. And yet, I can’t just tell you that I can’t tell you either. Argh._

I force my best smile. “Of course. Thank you.”

Gou nods and lightly touches my arm. “That’s what friends are for.”

Something flares up in the far reaches of my mind as her fingers brush my skin, but it isn’t an alarm. It’s something more of an epiphany--a strange little inkling of truth that makes me uneasy.

_Is it just me, or are her eyes lingering on me a little longer than they should be..._

“We probably ought to go,” she says sweetly and gathers up her gear again.

“Right.” I shove all of my belongings into my shoulder bag and follow her out the door.

_I hope Haru isn’t angry._

 

* * *

 

“Doing great, all of you!” Rin’s calm voice could be heard even from the locker room as we entered from the back way. He had been kind enough to just lend us a key, though he made us all swear on our lives to not tell anyone.

Gou had left us at the doorway and gone around through the main entrance, seeing as how it might be more than a bit suspicious if any of Samezuka’s team members walked in on our half-naked team in the presence of a girl.

Haru is the first to strip, revealing the fact that he had worn swimsuit underneath his pants as always. I find myself getting drawn in and he catches me when he turns around.

He gives me the classic head tilt and eye narrow that asks “are you okay?”.

I play the innocent card and ignore the gesture of concern.

“You guys ready?” I ask as nonchalantly as I can.

Everyone nods, with the exception of Haru, who simply gazes at me worriedly.

I tear my eyes from his. “Good. Then let’s go.”

We file out of the locker room and step out into the pool area, which seems to literally _swim_ with a cacophony of sounds. Over the din of the splashing water and chattering first years, Rin’s commanding voice still rings true.

“Keep it up everyone, just one more minute of warm ups!”

I sense Haru relaxing beside me and feel the way his chest swells with anticipation as if it is my own.

Rin turns toward us and grins. “Glad you guys could make it!”

Haru’s soul ignites and even before Rin finishes speaking, he lunges forward and dives straight into the pool seamlessly. I just let him go, it’s harmless at this point. He needs a good release anyway.

“Haru’s certainly excited today. That’s good...really good.” Something in Rin’s tone puts me on alert as his eyes search my face. “Do your best today, yeah?”

“Of course...why wouldn’t we?”

“I dunno, just...no pressure, okay?”

“Okay…?”

Rin smiles, but his expression seems guarded, as if he knows something that I don’t.

I shake the feeling off and chalk it up to my own inner conflict.

_I’ve started reading into every little thing. I’m just overthinking it._

The turmoil within me fades substantially as I dive into the water. Despite being choppy with waves, the pool is decidedly calming. For the first time in what felt like a lifetime I could focus on a single thing--swimming. In the next few minutes, warm ups served as ample time to vanquish my demons, at least for the time being, and I was even able to put up a temporary wall around my heart.

Our first speed drill was not quite such a walk in the park. 100m time trials. A twinge in the back of my mind reminds me of how much Haru hates these kinds of drills. Since we were kids, he’s never once cared about timing. Not once. What would make this time any different?

I’m starting to regret putting this drill on our regiment for today.

As per Rin’s instructions, we were broken up into groups categorized by stroke, so I was in a group with Momotarou and a group of others whose names I did not know. To my left was the freestyle group and to my right was the butterfly. Breaststroke was down at the end.

“Swimmers take your mark,” Rin calls from his place at the side of the pool.

I see Sousuke mount the diving board to my left, Rei does the same to my right, and Nitori at the far end. Momotarou hands me the stopwatch and proceeds to jump in and take his position. 

“Ready.”

Everyone tenses in the subsequent moment of silence.

And the whistle was blown.

 

* * *

 

_Well, that was hell._

I pull myself out of the pool after my trial and glance at the main clock. I’m at least ten seconds behind where I need to be timewise.

_Damn it._

Looking around, I notice that everyone is taking a break. Rin is over with Rei and Nagisa and the little blonde is excitedly chattering about something. He had just launched himself onto Rei’s back and was clinging there, giggling like mad while the taller boy kept trying to pry him off. Just the usual, of course. Sighing fondly, I start to walk over to them but Nagisa’s high pitched yell stops me.

“Ooh wow Rei-chan! You broke your personal best!”

I freeze in my tracks. They’d  been looking at their times and I hadn’t even been there to congratulate them. _I didn’t even encourage them during the drills at all… What a lame captain I am…_

I’m so absorbed in my own frustration that I failed to notice someone approaching me.

“You okay?”

Startled, I look up, only to see Rin standing before me with a clipboard and a towel draped over his arm. He eyes me with blatant concern. The feeling of being watched makes me feel nauseous despite him being a friend.

Something within me prompts me to lie. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just tired.”

“I know the feeling. Time trials are always stressful.” Rin passes me the towel and I nod in gratitude, beginning to dry myself off.

_I need to clear my head._

The privacy that the towel affords me is welcomed. It acts as a blindfold, blocking out the rest of the world. Protecting me. I derive all of the energy that I can from the comforting moment of nothingness before removing the towel from my head and draping it across my shoulders.

_I have to hold on. Be strong._

Rin clears his throat and leans closer to me. “Hey, Makoto--”

A splash from the pool cuts him off and I look to see that Haru has already gotten back in, taking a few leisurely laps in the middle lane.

Rin chuckles, but I can tell it’s forced. “He never stops does he…” His vacant gaze follows Haru in a way that I can only describe as longingly.

Something’s definitely up.

I put a hand on his shoulder, inviting him to confide in me. “Rin, is something wrong?”

It is in that moment that I notice how tense he is. He glances over to the glass wall beside the pool that leads to the main entrance and I follow his eyes, immediately tensing when I see what he sees.

Sitting in front of that wall is a man in a suit and tie holding a pen and clipboard. His glasses reflect the pool’s lighting, giving him an overly intense appearance. An unimpressed frown rests on his face.

A university scout.

I swallow the lump rising in my throat. “So that’s why you called us out here...and why you wanted to keep the speed drills.”

“Yeah.” Rin sighs. “Our faculty advisor called him in for today’s practice, so I wanted you guys to get the exposure too.”

“Oh. Okay, great.” I try my best to keep my calm interior, but my mind cannot stop shifting to Haru. Would he mind? Would he be mad at me for not telling him about this earlier? But I didn’t even know about the presence of this scout until just now! How can I cover this up--

“Oi Haru! Great timing!” Rin shouts over the noise of other people talking to where Haru is getting out of the pool, gesturing for him to come over.

_He’s going to tell Haru..._

My blood runs cold and I am half-ready to run over to him myself and prevent Rin from revealing anything. Haru would figure it out eventually anyway but after what happened at the last competition we went to...it would destroy him to know that a scout was at _practice_ of all things!

_I need to tell Rin no..._

“What, Rin?” Haru comes over to us, slicking his hair back with his hand and eyeing Rin expectantly.

“You’re being s--”

_I can’t let this happen._

Without thinking I clap a hand over Rin’s mouth, much to both his and Haru’s surprise.

“--s-selected for the relay!” I finish the open statement breathlessly, hoping that my little cover-up would work.

Haru appears taken aback and he blinks a few times in an attempt to process what just happened. “...okay?”

“So…” I reluctantly remove my hand from Rin’s mouth, eternally thankful when he didn’t make any move to continue speaking. “...can you go tell Rei and Nagisa to get ready?” I tried to smile.

Haru narrows his eyes at me but does not challenge my words. Silently, he turns away and walks over to Rei and Nagisa.

I sigh in relief and turn back to Rin, who gapes at me incredulously.

“What...was that all about?” he asks.

I frown. There’s no hiding from it now. “He can’t know about that scout.”

Rin scoffs at my response. “Why not? It’s not like it’s a secret.”

Somewhere, deep within my resolve, a crack appeared and my anger took over. “He just can’t, Rin!”

Rin flinches at my outburst and I regret my words right away.

Shamefully, I avert my eyes. “Rin, I--”

Samezuka’s captain shakes his head. “It’s fine. I shouldn’t have forced this on you guys. Let’s just do the relay and be done.”

Still burning with shame, I am stuck rooted to the spot as Rin steps away to get everyone’s attention.

He gestures for everyone to gather up and clears his throat. “Now, a final relay versus Iwatobi before we end the day. Sousuke, Momo, Ai, come with me.”

The selected Samezuka members follow Rin to the edge of the pool and I shake myself back into action, waving to bring my team to me.

We all line up in our positions, me being the first as usual. But the stress starts to overtake me again. _What if I mess up? What if I don’t make a good start for our team’s relay? What if Haru notices, and he gets angry at me? I can’t have him getting angry at me…_

_No. I can’t be consumed by these thoughts. I must focus on the matter at hand. Swimming this relay properly. It’s not a competition. I’ll be fine. Calm down._

Dropping myself into the backstroke starting position in the water, I pull my upper body out of the water and ready myself. _I can do this. Just a routine backstroke relay, nothing to it._ The whistle blows while I’m too consumed in my thoughts, delaying my reaction time. _Not off to a good start already._

I swim as hard as I can in my current state to make up for the lost time, but Momotarou is a lot harder to beat than he looks. He reaches first, and by the time I’m reaching to touch, Nitori is already clean in the water. _I messed up. I messed up bad. It’s my fault the team will lose this one. Haru will be mad, I just know it._

Nagisa plunges in after me, struggling to make up for lost ground. He has a good turn and makes up for lost time--touching just after Nitori. Sousuke has a bad entry and loses a bit of ground against Rei, who swam his best leg yet. The two butterfly swimmers touch at the same time.

Haru launches from the diving platform at the same time as Rin--but something goes wrong. Haru’s entry is crooked and he loses a second. His stroke is sloppy and he over-extends to make the turn, lessening the power he gets from the kick.

I can’t understand it...he was fine earlier.

The yells of the two competing teams are deafening--the room is practically alive with cheering.

Rin touches first and Haru is still a few feet away when Rin exits the pool. He touches breathlessly and tears off his goggles, reaching for the cement edge of the pool.

“Haru are you okay?” I ask as I extend a hand to him like always.

But instead of grabbing it, he slaps it away. “I’m fine.”

For the first time ever... Haru just refused my hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be up next month (maybe earlier if I have extra time). As always, any and all feedback is greatly appreciated!


	5. Haru

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well here we are with yet another intended to be 1k chapter that's somehow turned into a 3k chapter. I'm not really sure how I manage to do it...it just sort of happens. Okay enough irrelevant chatter.
> 
> This chapter is in Haru's POV (as stated in the title).

“Joint practice over! Samezuka, bow.” Rin announces.

 The entire Samezuka team bows and Makoto gives a little wave to us, asking us to do the same. I perform the bow dutifully alongside the others, never taking my eyes off Makoto for a second. Something is definitely amiss. I can tell by the tension in his body, the way his muscles stiffen at the slightest provocation. And then there’s the fact that he’s refusing to have any eye contact with me.

“Alright everyone. You’re free to go hit the showers,” Rin says as he walks off with the swim team faculty advisor to speak to the scout. I observe them silently. The way the suited man stands to greet Rin, they exchange tense bows and introductions as Rin clearly thanks him for coming. In all honesty, it’s sickeningly strict. I have nothing against scouts in general, it comes with being even marginally good at your sport, but it’s what they represent that bothers me. I just want to swim...I don’t want to be lectured on my future and where I should be going and what I should be doing. As long as I get to swim my way, I couldn’t care less where I end up.

I notice Rin awkwardly scratch his neck and his gaze locks with mine for a second and he starts talking faster, pointing in my direction. On second thought, I think I’ve seen enough of scouts for one day, so I turn my back to the pool and don’t dare look back as I head to the showers without another word. I pick the only remaining open faucet, surrounded by the rest of the Samezuka team, all of whom are engaging in excited chatter about some presumably interesting topic. The lukewarm stream of water that comes down from above me doesn’t hold a candle to my bathtub at home, but it’ll have to do for now.

The rest of the Samezuka team finishes cleaning up long before me and the locker room is entirely empty before I finally turn off the water. Makoto comes up to me just as I’m drying off, with that usual fake smile plastered all over his face. He’s been giving more fake smiles than genuine ones these days. And somehow he’s under the false pretense that I can’t tell the difference. I notice a lot more than anyone ever gives me credit for.

“There you are, Haru,” he starts, without a care in the world, as if under the impression that I would just brush off everything that happened...as if I would believe that he would do the same. But how could I possibly look past all of this?

Makoto rubs his neck and chuckles lightly. “I almost thought you left without us.”

_You seriously think I’d leave you?_

At my silence he steps closer and places a hand on my shoulder, his gaze soft with sincere concern. “Are you feeling okay? During the relay you––”

_Don’t play the innocent card with me, Makoto._

I cut him off furiously, glaring up at him as I push his hand away. “I think the real question is are _you_ okay.”

“Y-Yeah, I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” Something flashes in his eyes as his voice trails away. He knows what he just did. And he knows that I noticed it. I always notice these kinds of things. That little stutter. Makoto only does that when he’s nervous or trying to hide something. Usually both.

_Liar! You’re obviously not fine._

I grit my teeth. “I’m sick of all this lying, Makoto! What’s going on with you?”

“I...nothing’s wrong, Haru,” he whispers into the emptiness between us. If he thought that those baseless words could build a bridge across this divide between us he was sorely mistaken.

I throw my towel aside furiously, lashing out at him before I can stop myself. “Liar!”

Makoto’s eyes shine with concern. “Is this...are you upset because of the scout?”

I clench my fists and contemplate my options. If I want to try and mend this rift I need to move past the lies. I’ve got to tell him the truth. I have to be the bigger person here. Taking a deep breath, I meet his eyes. “I...knew that scout was going to be here even before we arrived.”

Makoto’s eyes darken and his words echo the emptiness within him. “You...what?”

I can feel him slipping away from my hold as he jumps to making his own assumptions about what happened, so, hurriedly, I attempt to explain, “Rin told me about it! I asked him to not tell you because I knew it’d make you nervous, but you need the exposure.”

“…” Makoto was too stunned to say anything, and he just stood there, staring at me blankly while trying to process the bomb I just dropped onto him.

“A-And you lied to me about that too!” I’m stuttering now as well. Swallowing forcefully, I make the difficult choice to openly confront him. “When Rin was about to tell us the scout’s university you flipped out...why? Did you think I didn’t know about that guy?”

“I… didn’t want you to get hurt...”

“Why would that hurt me?”

“Because...last time we had a match with scouts watching, you had a breakdown. I...didn’t want that to happen again.”

His words shake me. _Are we really that bad at communicating with one another? Is that really what you thought what happened to me? Didn’t I tell you why I was so upset?_

I frown.  “...do you really have that little faith in me? Am I that weak to you?”

“No...I just...I dunno––” He covers his face with his hands, leaning back against the row of lockers behind him. I can tell that I’m asking a lot of him. He’s never been good at explaining himself, especially not his feelings.

_This...this is all my fault._

“Makoto.” I step closer and take hold of his wrists, pulling his hands away and revealing his conflict-twisted expression. My heart throbs for him and I try to speak as gently as possible. “I’m your best friend. You can tell me anything.”

He draws in a shaky breath and pulls his arms from my hold, but just as I make a move to grab them again his hands catch mine, clasping them in the space between us. He shuts his eyes, his fingers trembling with his words. “I...I really want to tell you, Haru...but I can’t. Not now. I’m really sorry.”

We stay frozen there for a second, our bodies mere inches apart, his hands still holding mine. Despite being so close it couldn’t feel any farther away from him than ever. Every time we even get remotely close to one another it’s like he can’t resist pushing me away––like maintaining some kind of perpetual distance between us is essential.

_What I wouldn’t give to know what’s on your mind right now._

Even though the room is silent, the space between us couldn’t have been louder. It’s still chalked full of unsaid phrases and foreign feelings––the sorts of things that we haven’t even dared to confront in our wildest dreams much less real life. And at this rate we never will. But it’s not like our recent situation is a sudden development...it’s been like this between us for a while. Ever since what happened with Rin, Makoto’s never been the same with me.

And, as usual, Makoto’s been under the assumption that I haven't noticed.

_We can’t keep running from this forever._

Some part of me wants to force him to tell me––to _beg_ him to let me be closer to him...but one look to his quivering lips assures me that doing such a thing would do more harm than good. I want to convince him that I’m here no matter what...that nothing can tear us apart...but I can’t do that if the very thing I want to be close to is the thing that’s pushing me away.

“Fine.” I’m not entirely sure why I say it. Maybe it’s my heart trying to accept this separation, I don’t entirely know. But the second the word falls from my lips, it places a proverbial cap on the situation and ends whatever moment we were having. I pull my hand from his and pick up the towel from the floor, walking over to where I left my clothes.

_Amazing how fast all this could end if he wanted it to. It’s almost like it didn't even happen._

_Almost_.

Makoto clears his throat but his voice is still choked up when he asks, “I’ll still see you for dinner tonight, right?”

I hesitate as I put on my shirt. Part of me wants to say no...while the other part wants to scream yes. Sighing, I turn around and give him a small nod. A simple affirmation is all he needs. But who am I kidding? He doesn’t need it. It’s just all I can manage to give him.

He nods in return before walking away to pick up his own clothes.

_Are we...going to be okay?_

And I'm left to start regretting every action I made during that short but crucial moment.

My journey home is unusually lonely, not surprisingly so given the state of Makoto’s mind the past few days. Knowing him, it’s honestly surprising that he hasn’t broken down yet. Back when we were kids, Makoto was always the one crying. Even if I was the one who fell down, Makoto was the one who cried. Or maybe he is breaking down, but only when he knows the rest of us can’t see him.

I can just imagine him at home, late at night when everyone is asleep, laying in bed and silently breaking in two.

 

* * *

 

It is nearly dark before I decide to get up from my bed. My stomach growls, reminding me of my promise to Makoto earlier. And prompting me to follow up on it.

It had been our arrangement to continue having dinner together until my parents returned. Which was an indefinite situation as of this point. He had simply offered one day, and I had accepted. It wasn’t supposed to become a burden like this. Feelings weren’t supposed to get in the way of my life, much less his too.

I have to pretend to be normal for the sake of his family. The fragility of our situation--this unrelenting tension between us--for the sake of everyone around us, we must bury it deep down, as much as it may hurt to do so.

 _Stay strong._ I ring the doorbell reluctantly, shivering as my finger touches the button.

_What if he isn’t home? What if he didn’t want me to come?_

Footsteps approach the door and it slides open to reveal a tired-looking Makoto, whose eyebrows raise up as his gaze locks onto mine.

“Oh, Haru. I...didn’t think you were going to come.” He looks away sheepishly, rubbing his arm awkwardly.

I bow my head apologetically. “Sorry I’m late.”

“Ah, that’s okay, um, Ren and Ran have some friends over tonight so it’s pretty loud inside right now.” He fidgets awkwardly in the doorway, meeting my gaze reluctantly. “Are you hungry, or...?”

“I’m fine,” I murmur. It isn’t a lie, I’m really not all that hungry now that I’m here.

“Then, um, do you wanna take a walk?”

I shrug and simply start walking down the path toward the ocean. It’s at least better than just sitting inside awkwardly with him as we wait to see who’ll bring it all up first. At least we’ll have something to do now.

Our walk down to the beach is silent, tension cutting thick in the air. This very well could be our last chance to get this worked out.

The moon rises slowly behind us, casting our shadows before us in distorted forms. The stark contrast between our dancing shadows and the obvious separation between us makes me want to reach for him. I want to take his hand and tell him that everything’s okay, but more than anything, I want to have him tell _me_ that everything will be okay. But at the same time I can’t. Something’s holding me back.

 _Maybe this rift isn’t one that can be mended_.

A salty breeze blows past us and I shiver as we step out into the cove and away from the safety of the buildings. The water is unusually serene...normally I would jump at an opportunity to swim in these conditions, but tonight I have no such desire. A twinge in my chest reminds me that I’m not alone and I turn to see Makoto gazing wistfully out over the water.

_It’s now or never, Makoto._

“The water’s pretty tonight,” he starts. Small talk. His automatic go-to for any difficult topics. I guess he’s just as anxious about all this as I am.

I give a muted sound of acknowledgment. “Mm.”

“It hasn’t been this calm in a long time.” He puts his hands in his pockets and starts walking out onto the sand.

“Yeah.” I trail behind him, keeping a safe distance to avoid making him anxious.

“Too bad we can’t go for a swim,” he remarks. More small talk.

“You hate the ocean.” _Do I really have to remind him of that?_

He makes a sound reminiscent of a chuckle. “But you love it.”

“It’s just water,” I answer plainly.

Makoto’s tone grows dark. “Yeah, I know.”

Realizing my error, I frantically move to make amends. “Wait, I didn’t mean––” great. Just great. Now he’s going to take this the wrong way and make things worse.

“It’s okay, Haru.”

_No it’s not. You know it isn’t! Why won’t you just say that?_

I clench my fists and make up my mind. If he won’t say it, then I will. But just as I open my mouth, he turns around and cuts me off.

“By the way, I’m...really sorry about the way I acted earlier,” he murmurs.

I freeze. _Wait...what?_

Makoto takes a deep breath. “I got so caught up in making sure that you weren’t stressed about the scout that I ended up making it even harder for both of us. We...haven’t exactly been the best at communicating recently.” He lets out a long sigh, finally choosing to look me in the eyes.

I can’t even bring myself to apologize in return. My chest is too tight, it’s all I can to do to keep myself together. A frightening compression takes hold of my throat--one that I know all too well.

“It was wrong of me to keep things from you in the first place. You’re my best friend, so I think I should tell you.” He breathes deeply, pausing for a lengthy minute and leaving me hanging in suspense. “Um, I got an acceptance letter. From Tokyo University.”

My heart nearly stops. I hadn’t even known that he had applied yet...I thought his going there was merely conjecture as of this point. Obviously I was wrong. Slowly, I ask the dreaded question, “...are you going to accept?”

“Do you think I should?” He looks to me expectantly.

I want to say no, every fiber of my being wants me to say no, but I know I can’t. His life can’t revolve around me any more than mine can revolve around him. “It’s your life, Makoto.” _Like hell something like this should be my choice._

“But you still have a part in it,” he says earnestly.

I turn to look at him in alarm as an unfamiliar warmth ignites in my chest. _Just what is that supposed to mean?_

Clearing his throat, he tries prompting me again. “So what do you think?”

“I...don’t know.” I can’t make such a big life decision for him. This is something he has to decide on his own...despite me wanting to tell him what I really think.

“If...I asked you to come with me what would you say?” he looks away, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly as usual.

I blink. “There’s no way I would get in.” I state matter-of-factly. My grades aren’t even comparable to Makoto’s...and even if I got scouted there’s no way...

“Yes there is. Just apply,” he insists, determinedly.

_Why are you going to such lengths for me? What have I ever been to you other than a hindrance?_

I narrow my eyes, folding my arms. “And what if I don’t get in? What then, Makoto?”

He shrugs as if the answer is obvious. “Then you wait a year and apply again. You get a job and you keep swimming like you always have. It’ll be just like it always has been.”

_You know neither one of us can afford to wait like that...I can’t just sit by while you keep drifting farther out of reach._

Makoto sighs. “You don’t have to answer now, of course. But...I’d appreciate it if you’d think about it?” His gaze trails absentmindedly back out to the vast expanse before us.

_How could I not think about it? I’m never going to stop thinking about it!_

I grit my teeth. “Makoto.”

_I have to say it._

“Hm?”

I dig my fingertips into the sand, searching for the strength that I know I don’t have. “I’m sorry, too.”

“For what?” he stares deeply into my eyes, waiting for my answer.

“For hurting you.” _No. More than that._ “...for hurting _us_.”

“We’ve...really made a mess recently haven’t we.” He clenches his fists, sorrow creeping into his beautiful hazel eyes, twisting his expression to one of regret.

“Yeah.” I swallow forcefully. “We really have.”

He sighs. “We can’t keep going on like this.”

“...” I take the statement to be rhetorical.

Makoto tenses. “I’m so--”

Something clicks in my mind and I press a finger to his lips before he can finish. “No more.”

His gaze softens and his mouth quirks upward into a shaky smile as tears threaten to fall from the corners of his eyes. I’m so sick of all these apologies, we both know we’ve messed up. What matters is how we take it from here. I retract my hand and we both silently lean back, side by side, to stare out at the mirror-like ocean. It’s like a perfect bath of stars.

_So calm. Does that mean a storm is coming after all? Have we not already lived through the worst?_

Every time I feel like we’re about to make a breakthrough in this wall that divides us, he always starts adding more to one side of the delicate equation that keeps us in balance, throwing us even further out of alignment. How can I steady this boat we seem to be irretrievably stranded on?

_Out of the frying pan and into the fire, I suppose._

Something tickles my hand and I look down to see that Makoto’s hand is beside mine, our pinkies just barely touching. Our eyes meet and I smile softly, giving him a bit of confidence to make the move to entwine those two small fingers. With the connection comes a flash of feeling so strong that my head starts spinning. Feelings of such strength that I can’t even tell if they’re mine or his. But quite frankly, I can’t be bothered to care. All I know is that this is the closest we’ve been in months.

And I honestly hadn’t realized just how much I’ve missed it. Regardless of the amount of unspoken things between us, it’s at times like this that we understand one another best. This raw connection, the proverbial glue of our relationship, is ours and ours alone.

_Maybe...just maybe, we’ll be okay._


End file.
